Wednesday, November 11, 2009
begging ocean please help me drown these memories
waking up next to b was so comforting. i miss our apartment and making dinner and watching movies. i miss it but i know i wasn't in a good place. he was and is unstable and i don't know what i want. i feel like i have a void. no matter what i do or where i am i can't fill it.
i was figuring things out about myself and being positive when i first moved here. now that my sister moved in with us i feel like i can't shine my brightest. it's horrible. i hate that i feel that way. it's like i resent her for some strange reason. and she resents me too. we have tension toward each other. she's so quick to anger with me, but if it was anyone else she would be gentle and kind and helpful. it hurts me.
god, thinking about my mom hurts me. i wish we could just live together in a house and be happy. i hate that she's living with her friend and that i'm living with my friend. all i want is stability. i miss her but i'm so mad at her for getting married so suddenly and then getting her marriage annulled even faster. it was pointless.
jake doesn't want anything to do with me.. that hurts. i guess i deserve it. it's like he wants to forget i ever existed. i feel like shit for how much i hurt him. he's right i am selfish.