haven't been on here in years. it's kind of embarrassing to read what i wrote back then haha. oh well!

today margaux and i are going to go get some finger paint and maybe some stamps. annnnd probably go to the park. she is talking so much. i'm so incredibly proud of her.

i feel much better today than i did yesterday. i want a new tattoo soo bad. i'm just lacking in the funds department.

there are some lives you live and some you leave behind.

i am ten weeks pregnant :) i'll be eleven on thursday. i'm not really showing yet.. but my pants are soo tight. susanna bought me some maternity leggings the other day. that was cool. i'm so tired today. my baby is going to be a november baby, i love autumn. for a girl we're thinking margaux ellesse heard and for a boy riley day heard.

i'm so excited to see our baby. i haven't seen a doctor yet because everything with medi-cal hasn't gone through yet. hopefully i can go soon. i haven't had any scary symptoms, no bleeding, no cramping, nothing. so i'm not worried. i want to hear its little heartbeat. i know it's moving around in there. i wish i could feel it.

everyone thinks we're having a girl. that's what i thought as soon as i found out. jake wants a boy haha. i don't blame him. we call the baby "babylovechild".

i'm not your second, i'm not your third. but i'll be your bird.

as of december 24, 2009, jacob and i are officially a couple again.
i'm excited. and in love.

it's good to see you, i missed you last night.

i don't have a home. i don't feel comfortable or at ease anywhere. i lied, when i'm with my mom and ali i feel at home. i hope we get that place in laguna.
i feel like shit i feel like shit i feel like shit.
brian blew my phone up last night, with death wishes. for himself. "he probably cried himself to sleep". sad, but probably true. it's amazing that someone can feel that bad. he goes so dark.
i don't feel good. i'm unsettled. my whole situation is unsettling.
i'm exhausted but i can't fall asleep. i don't want to fall asleep. i wish i had someone to comfort me. i want to be comforted all the time by others. i need to satisfy myself. only after taking care of myself can i even fathom taking care of another.
jake. he's always there for me. unconditionally. i could learn a thing or two from him.

begging ocean please help me drown these memories

waking up next to b was so comforting. i miss our apartment and making dinner and watching movies. i miss it but i know i wasn't in a good place. he was and is unstable and i don't know what i want. i feel like i have a void. no matter what i do or where i am i can't fill it.
i was figuring things out about myself and being positive when i first moved here. now that my sister moved in with us i feel like i can't shine my brightest. it's horrible. i hate that i feel that way. it's like i resent her for some strange reason. and she resents me too. we have tension toward each other. she's so quick to anger with me, but if it was anyone else she would be gentle and kind and helpful. it hurts me.
god, thinking about my mom hurts me. i wish we could just live together in a house and be happy. i hate that she's living with her friend and that i'm living with my friend. all i want is stability. i miss her but i'm so mad at her for getting married so suddenly and then getting her marriage annulled even faster. it was pointless.
jake doesn't want anything to do with me.. that hurts. i guess i deserve it. it's like he wants to forget i ever existed. i feel like shit for how much i hurt him. he's right i am selfish.

and then the tears pour out of my blue eyes

cried myself to sleep again. i don't know why i feel like this.

if you don't need me, then don't deceive me

ahh. so you apologize for being distant or rude and say you don't think we should be physical... then go back on everything you said and have sex with me. but you realize what you're doing and then stop.. how am i supposed to take that? of course we don't talk about it after it happened.
you're kind of an asshole. i don't know if you know it though. i know you're going through something, i wish you'd let me in. i guess all i can do is be patient with you. i don't want to wait around and i won't but i'm not looking for someone to keep my mind off of you.